Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Christmas disaster

Things were supposed to be calm for the holidays, but my mind had different plans. It started at dinner, on Christmas eve. My parents were talking to my little brother about college, and how his grades had better improve or else they'd pull the plug on his financial aid, when I interrupted by asking my mom to pass the mashed potatoes.

"Lisa, I'm talking to your brother."

"I don't give a shit about his grades, now pass the mashed potatoes."

"Lisa! Don't start," she said, handing me the potatoes as my brother kicked me under the table.

"You cocksucker!" I screamed.

"Lisa! Go to your room. I won't have this at my dinner table," she screamed. "What would Jesus think of your dirty mouth on Christmas?"

"He's probably not as concerned about what's coming out, it's what's going in that concerns him more," I said, knowing it would knock the wind out of her and cause her to choke on her greens.

"You sinful woman! Get to your room and think about what you've done. You've ruined another Christmas," she screamed.

I stood up, grabbed the bowl of potatoes, and hurled them over my brother's head, potatoes splattering all over the wall and covering the back of his head. My dad stood but said nothing as my mother's mouth stood agape, jaw quivering.

"Like you ruined Christmas in 1995, when the world found out about your infidelities?" I said and stormed off to my room.

Another beautiful Christmas with the family...


Bulldog said...

it's o.K. poatatoes are cheap as chips. you din't throw peas did you? christmas is the season of peas and goodwill to all men.

Anonymous said...

Ah yes... the ability to compartmentalise one's own misdeeds and use whatever is at hand to make others feel like shit. Such a complex skill.

I probably shouldn't have, but I got a giggle out of this piece of writing. :)

Grand Pooba said...


You wasted perfectly good mashed potatos?

I think Jesus is dissapointed.

Anna Lefler said...

Brothers. Nothin' but trouble.

Think of all the carbs you didn't eat because they were on the wall. Way to start the new year lean!

:^) Anna

One Hypo said...

Bulldog: Peas never did anything to me.

Svasti: Laugh all you want. I am.

Grand Pooba: I don't know if Jesus ate mashed potatoes.

Anna: I didn't look at it this way. Now I've gained something positive from the experience.

Anonymous said...

Like my old nan said, if it don't swim up the Thames don't put it in your mouth.

(My grandmother never said that, nor was she Cockney, but I wish she had and was.)

Girl Interrupted said...

Kinda missing you...are you locked in your room?-V

Phil said...

Dont cha just love Christmas?

...and I don't think Jesus cares about anything you put in your mouth...he's dead.

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Anonymous said...

Wow....that was a cool story. You had some interesting comments. I think I could get that mad at my parents and Im 26 going on 27.

I'm going through the same thing as you...psych ward stuff and all.

I like your comment: "He's probably not as concerned about what's coming out, as what's going in that concerns him more...". That was hilarious. Just laughing hard....