Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Christmas disaster

Things were supposed to be calm for the holidays, but my mind had different plans. It started at dinner, on Christmas eve. My parents were talking to my little brother about college, and how his grades had better improve or else they'd pull the plug on his financial aid, when I interrupted by asking my mom to pass the mashed potatoes.

"Lisa, I'm talking to your brother."

"I don't give a shit about his grades, now pass the mashed potatoes."

"Lisa! Don't start," she said, handing me the potatoes as my brother kicked me under the table.

"You cocksucker!" I screamed.

"Lisa! Go to your room. I won't have this at my dinner table," she screamed. "What would Jesus think of your dirty mouth on Christmas?"

"He's probably not as concerned about what's coming out, it's what's going in that concerns him more," I said, knowing it would knock the wind out of her and cause her to choke on her greens.

"You sinful woman! Get to your room and think about what you've done. You've ruined another Christmas," she screamed.

I stood up, grabbed the bowl of potatoes, and hurled them over my brother's head, potatoes splattering all over the wall and covering the back of his head. My dad stood but said nothing as my mother's mouth stood agape, jaw quivering.

"Like you ruined Christmas in 1995, when the world found out about your infidelities?" I said and stormed off to my room.

Another beautiful Christmas with the family...

Thursday, December 18, 2008


My date actually called me back, after what I felt was a total disaster of an evening. He said he enjoyed the time we spent talking, most of it spent running (no pun intended) to the bathroom, and would like to see me again over the holidays. This is where my condition generally kicks in and I start losing interest. Why is this man calling me? Is he desperate? Don't get me wrong, a very successful and attractive man, but I think there may be someone better out there. I'm thinking I'll spend time with my family and hangout with friends, then I'll see if I have any interest in getting together with this man. My family will say I'm acting crazy, again, and persuade me to take another date, but I'll tell them to mind their own business and carry on in my usual Lisa fashion. I'm only 25 and in no rush to settle down with a husband. It's hard enough lugging my makeup and jewelery around, how on earth would I handle man-luggage?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Do you want some pudding with that birth control?

I'm so embarrassed. The weekend was a nightmare. Finally having a date, it turned out to be a disaster.

My parent's friends introduced me to their nephew, who works for some Wall Street company. Not actually on Wall Street, but a company with branch offices throughout the country. I think my parents are recruiting everyone they know to find me a boyfriend so they can drive me out of the house. I decided to go along since it would get me out for the holidays.

Long story short, I decided to get on birth control - again. Very optimistic, huh? I quit taking my last prescription because it gave me severe abdominal pains, not worth the regularity of PMS the pills provide. I decided to give it another go with a different brand. All side effects were pretty much the same, including a slight chance of diarrhea. Go figure, there is a slim chance of winning the lottery, which I've never won, but I managed to win the "squirts" lottery.

How many times can a lady powder her nose before looking like a clown? In and out, in and out, the trips continued to the restroom and my date looked confused.

"Are you alright," he asked.

"To be honest, no. I'm like a leaky faucet tonight," I explained.

"Excuse me?" my date said.

"Listen, I need you to take me home before the night gets more embarrassing than it already is," I explained.

"But we didn't eat," he replied.

"You'll be getting chocolate pudding for dessert if you don't take me home," I explained with a strange grin.

I don't think there will be any second dates with this one...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Blowies for the holidays

My friend, Amanda, really gets under my funny bone and gives it a good tickle from time to time. Amanda and I have been friends since grade school and were inseparable up until the day she joined the military and moved away. We still keep in touch as much as possible, be it in letters, phone conversations, or email exchanges. I received the following email the other day.


Times are tough this holiday season with the economy and all, but I'm still handing out as many presents as possible here at the base. I spent most of my money on gifts for friends and family, which can get expensive when you send everything through the mail, but I've never been one to shy away from giving. So the boys on base decided to do a Secret Santa and I was all for it, except for one thing, I'm broke. I'm the only female in the exchange so I decided to improvise. I told the boys if they get me in the exchange, I'll be giving one blowie as a gift. You should have seen their jaws drop when I mentioned it to them. Jack, the youngest in the exchange, turned a shade of red matched only by Santa's outfit when he heard what I'd be giving as a gift. I'm guessing it will be a quick present if he gets me in the exchange. He doesn't look a day over 18 and there's no way he's ever stuck his Willy into anything. I'm actually hoping for Jack. He better give me one hell of a gift or I'll be spitting. Oh well, hope things are all good at the store. I can't wait to see you again so I can have some real fun for a change.

P.S. - I remember you mentioning something about some new writing thing you're doing on the web. If I know you, which I do, you'll most likely write about this. Please don't use my name or pictures. Besides that, have a ball!

I love my friend, Amanda...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Notta Lotta Prada

The holiday season is causing mass confusion at the store. If the recession is here, I'm not seeing it because the women continue to march into the store and demand the most expensive pursues in stock. These purses are flying out the doors faster than an amputated bird whose wings have been restored. I wouldn't blame them after seeing all the dead cows we have in stock. It's a regular animal graveyard in there and sometimes I get sad, this happens often as a non meat eater.

I watched as two women almost debreasted on another over a Prada purse. The purse wasn't even that spectacular, as if it's worth losing a boob over. Sooo retarded!!! As if any fashion item is so important. Paris Hilton must have been seen toting one around and now the followers are trying their damndest to imitate. But I must admit, she does pull off some of the lousiest outfits.

"Give it to me, lady."

"I saw it first!"

They shouted, so I intervened, being the protector of the Prada that I am.

"Ladies. I'm sure we'll be receiving some more hideous purses in no time. Relax."

They paused for a moment and wondered if such words parted from my slippery tongue. I pulled the purse from their hands and said, "This is already on layaway."

They walked away and I tossed the purse beneath a clothes rack. There, problem solved. I put the purse on my own special layaway.

Toying with the greedy is such a fun game....

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The lint child

"You look marvelous, darling."

I stood in front of the mirror and positioned the fur hat on my head. I believe it was the corpse of a silver fox and I couldn't help but think of how ridiculous it is that a poor fox had to die so I can entertain myself in front of the mirror when I should be helping customers.

"Lisa! Can you wait on some customers?" The speaker box yelled from the counter. It's not a real speaker box but actually my boss. She constantly yells so I've assigned her with a proper name and nothing annoys me more than large speakers mounted on the wall. I think this annoyance started in high school when it became the messenger who summoned me to the Principal's office on a regular basis. I spent so much time with the principal that some parents thought I was his secretary. Ya right! Like I'd ever get that man coffee.

I set the hat on the table with the other corpses and walked towards the woman carrying a baby. I chose her because her child carried a large piece of lint on its shoulder and my obsessive compulsiveness would not allow this child to continue its life as a lint catcher. I plucked the piece of lint from the child's reindeer sweater and released a small shriek when the lint turned out to be a thread, which turned out to be connected to the sweater, which happened to create a tiny hole and a larger piece of thread.

"Why I never!" The woman shouted and walked out the door.

I guess some people don't know how to handle kindness during the holidays...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Fatty Patty

A woman walked into the store where I work and I recognized her immediately. We went to the same high school and she used to call me names and tell the other kids that I have genital warts. She was a cow then and she's still a cow today, MOO!!! She used to have the other cows gang up on me because they were jealous of my ability to fit into normal sized jeans. I stood and waited for her to approach, wondering if she'd remember me.

"Hi, Lisa!" She said as if we were long lost friends. I wanted to take the pen from the counter and stuff it into her thick neck but I didn't want her spraying butter all over my counter. I'm not adding cleaning to my list of duties at the rate this store pays me.

"Hi, Patty," I said and wanted to add fatty as a prefix.

"I thought you went to college," she said and pulled her face into a contorted position as if she were passing an extra large turd.

"Yeah. I did but I dropped out."

"That's too bad," she said and walked away.

I hate fatty patty...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The beginning of Hypomania

Why did I start this blog? Maybe to vent behind closed doors or maybe to self-medicate. Life is so confusing and I want someone to provide me with the answers, but nobody can. I'm the small insect fighting against the sinking water of the tub. I'm trying to escape but the spinning water continues to pull me deep into the abyss.

I don't know how long I'll write. Maybe this project will be tucked away like so many in my past. It can take residence beside the homemade jam stand I started in my youth, or next to the scooter I bought and never rode. It was such a good idea at the time but now it collects cobwebs. Cobwebs make sense. They've filled my mind for so long and I'm not sure if these thoughts are my own.

Maybe today is a good day to stop taking my meds. I need my thoughts back but the medications steal them from me. Maybe the doctors are wrong. Maybe they are the ones in need of medication. Maybe humans are supposed to think this way.